Before I begin, please note that my experiences are not necessarily the same for all people with anxiety and that this pertains to me specifically, not people in general. Also keep in mind that, for a lot of people, the things I will talk about are very difficult for most people with anxiety to talk about, so please be respectful.
So first, you need to understand anxiety is. According to Mayo clinic, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is- “severe, ongoing anxiety that interferes with daily activities.”
In simple terms, this is a very accurate definition (in my opinion). In reality, it is so much more complicated than that.
Background
As a child, I don’t remember having anxiety interfere with my daily activities. It wasn’t until middle school- high school where it really started becoming a problem. I had a hard time distinguishing between normal stress and anxiety. I always knew that I worried more than others, but I wasn’t sure if that was an anxiety disorder. Me being me, I did loads of researching and in the fall of my senior year decided that my anxiety was overpowering my life and I needed help. I was hesitant about medication because I was afraid it would change who I was as a person or that it would make me into a zombie. My doctor was hesitant of medicating me because of my age.
At first, I thought I just had social anxiety because most of my anxious thoughts revolved around social situations (raising my hand in class, saying the wrong thing, offending someone, etc). I would lay in bed at night and replay all of the things I said that day and wonder if what I said was weird or wrong or not what people wanted to hear. I would think about things that happened weeks or months ago and still feel anxious about what I said (in reality, nobody else thought twice about it). I also had a strong fear of annoying people. This is one of the biggest reasons I struggled making friends in high school. I was always worried that people didn’t want me hanging out with them or they only invited me because they felt bad for me.
A side note about high school girls- most of them do not understand mental health and will gaslight you. They will tell you that what you are feeling is wrong/inaccurate, when really it is exactly correct. For example, when voicing that I was worried about whether a girl actually liked me or was just using me for answers, she reassured me that her feelings were genuine. Turns out, they were not and everything I thought was correct the whole time. This, in turn, made my anxiety worse.
Eventually I realized that more than just social situations gave me anxiety (getting assignments done, being late, forgetting about things, etc). I did eventually get put on medication, and within a few months I was feeling much better. I got lucky and my medication worked the first time, but it can take different combinations of medications and therapy or dosage of medication for it to be successful.
Fast forward to present day, and I am doing much better. Partially because I have learned coping techniques and partially because I am medicated. Now, because I love chemistry and how the body works, I want to explain what really happens to your body when you are on anxiety medication.
The chemistry behind anxiety medication
There are many different types of anti-anxiety medication, but the type that I will focus on are called SSRI’s (selective serotonin reputake inhibitors). If you know anything about SSRI’s, you may note that they are antidepressants. And you might be thinking “well don’t we want the opposite?”. The answer is yes, but SSRI’s can be used to treat both anxiety and depression because their main goal is to even out the amount of serotonin produced in the brain. In this way, they can either increase serotonin (used in treatment of depression) or decrease serotonin (treatment in anxiety). SSRI’s are also successful in treating individuals that have both anxiety and depression for this exact reason- they can increase OR decrease serotonin levels, depending on how much is secreted in the brain. (For more info on this)
Back to reality- now I will list some side effects associated with anxiety, and how it can alter an individual’s life.
- Feeling restless, wound-up, or on-edge
- Being easily fatigued
- Having difficulty concentrating; mind going blank
- Being irritable
- Having muscle tension
- Difficulty controlling feelings of worry
- Having sleep problems, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, restlessness, or unsatisfying sleep
Anxiety can:
- Impair your ability to perform tasks quickly and efficiently because you have trouble concentrating
- Take your time and focus from other activities
- Sap your energy
- Increase your risk of depression
What it’s like today:
- Even though my anxiety has gotten better, I still struggle today. I still worry about things I say and I dread oral presentations. One example of when I realized I’m still struggling was when I had an oral presentation for a class. It’s normal to be nervous for things like that, so I accepted that what I was feeling was normal. When giving the presentation, I did stumble a few times and I was a little sweaty but again, these are all normal. For me, finishing an oral presentation is a huge accomplishment because I made it through something that makes me anxious and I did a pretty darn good job considering my circumstances. When I got my feedback from my professor, she wrote that it was “obvious someone was nervous” and that there were “nervous behaviors”. This completely crushed me because considering how anxious I was, I did it and I did it well. To hear someone tell you that you aren’t doing as well as you thought you did (especially with something as sensitive as my anxiety and getting through it) is heartbreaking. This is one of those times where I considered whether to tell her that public speaking is something that I really struggle with and makes me very anxious, but didn’t because I didn’t want to be treated different, even though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It also made me angry and I thought “So I can’t be human?” I felt like she wanted me to be a robot. Most people get nervous for presentations and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be human and be a little nervous.
- Another thing that I sometimes struggle with is falling asleep at night. All of the conversations, homework, and due dates are circulating in my mind and it’s an endless cycle. Most of the time, through meditation or just deep breaths, I can turn my brain off and fall asleep. The sad reality is though, that you never completely recover. Sometimes when I am anxious, no medicine, meditation, or conversation makes me feel better. Sometimes you just have to ride it out, and I think that’s a big misconception. People think after you get help that you will automatically become “normal” (whatever that means) and you will be great. This is NOT true. Yes, you feel better and generally you are less anxious, but medicine and therapy are not always 100% effective. As a person, you have to do your best to turn those anxious thoughts around but sometimes it’s not possible.
- Another thing that’s difficult about anxiety is that it is work. You have to actively “retrain” your brain to learn how to stop anxious thoughts or replace them with positive ones. Everyone does this in different ways, but something that’s really effective for me is doing any kind of organizing. Whether it’s mental organizing or physical organizing. I make lists of things I have to do, remember, and schedule to help take back control. I also like to organize my closet, drawers, or anything else so that my physical life can at least be organized.
- Once you realize what things help you when you are feeling anxious, it’s sometimes hard to get out of your situation and do them. What I mean by this is: if I’m giving a presentation I start getting anxious, I can’t just leave. In these situations, you have to learn to cope until you are in an appropriate setting to deal with those anxious feelings. Another example of this is if I’m hanging out with friends and I start feeling anxious. I don’t just want to leave, but I cannot properly process my feelings if I’m in a “party” setting. Plus, if I leave then they will either think I’m “lame” or will ask me if I’m okay, but I just need to be alone. The good thing about the second example is that you can control what friends you have and they should be friends that understand that sometimes you just need to take a step back and process. If you know your friends are supportive, you are much more likely to take that time for yourself or choose not to go to one party because you know you need some me-time. This will give you a better chance of being mentally healthy.
All in all, the most important thing to remember is that it is OKAY to struggle with mental health, even if you do not have a formal diagnosis. It does not make you weak, in fact, some of the strongest people in my life have mental health issues. If someone you know struggles with mental health, be kind. It is often a daily struggle.
Thanks for reading!
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